Anxious

Before reading I just want to inform you that there may be more typo’s than usual as I’m pretty doped up on my medication this even

I am feeling very anxious. Tomorrow I see my consultant about my foot which is causing some panic within me. I actually don’t know what they are going to do next to my foot. In a letter to my GP from my consultant it mentioned surgery if putting my leg in plaster didn’t work, but I don’t know if they’ll go ahead withdraw  it. 

To be honest, I’d love nothing more than them to operate on it as it’ll actually feel like something is being done about the injury. But at the same time I’m left feeling very anxious about it, although I am trying not to be but that’s easier said than done.

I’m not going to lie, I’ll be so bloody angry if my cast comes off and I’m expected to be able to walk on my foot. It’s still so twisted and being in a cast has made absolutely no difference in straightening it. It just seems like the last 6 weeks have been a complete waste.

This may sound stupid but I’m also extremely anxious about making my way to the hospital. I’ve fallen over several times which has been both painful and humiliating. Each time I’ve done it I’ve ended up in more pain and it’s made me so scared to even go out.

I just want this all to be over. I’m sick and tired of it now. Each day that passes I become more and more physically and a mentally drained. I just can’t go on like this. I’m literally at breaking point and I don’t want to keep going through this pain every day. 

With a bit of luck I’ll be alright and my consultant will give me some good news….I’m not holding much hope, but I’ll just have to wait and see.

It would be really nice if I were able to go to bed and actually sleep without my mind being all fuzzy. I’d love to wake up feeling noymfhgs. Lin n u

Pain

This is what’s causing me so much friggin’ pain! I’m in absolute agony and it’s driving me crazy, literally. Anything that I do causing pain. Walking with my orthopaedic boot hurts, walking with crutches hurts, trying to do small movements that my physio told me to do hurts, doing nothing hurts. It hurts 24/7 and it’s getting beyond a joke now. 

I’m losing my mind because of the pain. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’m on the strongest possible painkillers that I can be without knocking me out all day and night. It’s just not enough. I’m seeing the specialist next week, but it’ll have been nearly 10 weeks since I last had any physical treatment on it. It’s a joke.

The pain is consuming everything around me right and I’m literally losing the will to live right now.

Emotional and Physical Pain

I am currently feeling as the title says: emotional and physical pain. Today hasn’t been the best of days if I’m honest. I feel so many things right now it’s beyond a joke.

I saw my GP this morning and finally found out the reason why I have a number of different health problems, which is good as I can finally get treated. Finally I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders in one respect but at the same time I know that I’m going to need to make some life changes. I must keep reminding myself that change isn’t always a bad thing.

As I’ve mentioned a number of times before that I have a injury to my foot. I’ve already had one lot of surgery and physio and hydrotherapy on it, just it is still not better. I’ve been passed from one person to another and no one seems to know what to do about the injury. My physiotherapist and hydro-therapist have both been in contact with the surgeon informing him that they can’t work on my foot as it’s not been fixed correctly. They tried rushing my appointment forward with the consultant because of their concerns, however the consultant cancelled my last appointment and made me wait 7 weeks to seem him just to be told today that I’m probably going to have to have more surgery, but he wasn’t prepared to do it. He also blamed the consultant that I saw after my injury occurred in Sri Lanka by claiming it was plastered completely wrong etc. So I’ve now been referred to one of his colleagues who specialises in feet, which isn’t a bad thing but I now need to wait another 2 and a half weeks for that appointment.

Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way blaming the NHS as I know that they are under pressure, under funded and understaffed. I just feel very let down by the consultant. Not only am I in absolute agony, I am feeling so low because of this all. I’m not sleeping, I’m struggling to eat, I don’t want to be around people and I’m loosing interest in pretty much everything I enjoy doing. I’ve been told by a number of people that it was my own fault because I did the injury whilst white water rafting and that in itself is hard to hear. Of course I need to take responsibility and own my problems, but in all fairness I was in Sri Lanka volunteering and it’s a tradition of the company that I was over there with that the first weekend there all of the volunteers go to a jungle retreat for team building and bonding. Knowing that I missed out on one hell of an experience because of the accident is very hard to accept and move on from, so when I get comments about it being my own fault it hurts. I just wanted to do some good over in Sri Lanka yet I came back with very little experience and a dislocated and fractured leg.

So at the moment I am really feeling both emotional and physical pain, which of course I need to hide from my family as I know they’ll get concerned and upset seeing me in this way. I’ve just got to put my fake smile on and pretend that everything is alright even though I feel like I’m dying on the inside.