I Was Once Told…..

I was once told that keeping a diary/blog is a good indication of how my mental health is, noting feelings down happens for one of two reason: something really positive is happening in life life or something negative. Unfortunately for me, it’s the latter.

I can’t really say that my situation has changed all that much; I’m still struggling daily with my mood and mental health and having to drag myself out of bed so I don’t become more of a recluse than I already am.

Every morning I wake up and instantly want to go back to sleep. I constantly feel exhausted and struggle to do the simplest of tasks like function on a half decent level. Sleep is meant to heal and refresh the body but I find that it certainly doesn’t do that for me. My body is begging for more rest but when when I attempt this my mind decides it’s the perfect time to go over every negative detail in my life, thus causing very little rest, both mentally and physically.

People around me struggle to understand why I’ve become so guarded and negative, but it’s hard not to be when my life I’m completely on hold and has been for the past two years because of having an accident that’s pretty much changed me life.

I know that I should focus on the positives, but there are so few that the negatives consume them on a daily basis. It’s a viscous cycle that I can’t seem to break.

I’m more than sure that if I felt more rested then both my body and mind would at least have a chance of healing. Perhaps I’d then be in a better place to be able to tackle the daemons that are picking away at my fragile mind.

The only thing that’s keeping me going is that I still have hope, at least for now. I hope that things will get better in the future and that I’ll be able to live my life rather than just exist.

Advertisements

Why can’t I just be happy!

I’d like to wake up just once and be happy. Is that really too much to ask? I hate feeling so low but I can’t seem to shake this depression off regardless of what ever I do.

I literally feel like my sanity is getting to the point of wearing so thin that soon it’ll be completely destroyed. Day by day another part of me breaks away from reality and amd there’s no end in sight. 

I am alive and for that I should be thankful for as I know many, many people are taken from this earth before their time, it’s just I’m not really living, I’m existing and desperate for a way out.

My mood is getting so heavy that it often feels like I can’t breathe. There’s no light at the end of my tunnel, just eternal darkness. Perhaps I deserve to feel like this? Maybe I’m being punished for something that I’m unaware of. If only I knew how to fix things then there would be a chance that I could break through the darkness and find the light.

Reality is that I’m not likely to feel any better soon and that in itself is something that’s difficult to process. I may be good at lying to everyone around me about what’s going on in my head but I owe it to myself to be honest about how I am really feeling. 

I’d love nothing more than to not wake up in the morning and be completely free of all pain and misery, but I’d be deemed selfish if I were to take my own life. It’s getting to the point where I really don’t know how much more of feeling this way I can cope with. I want everything to go away.

Drowning in my own tears

As I lay here I can’t help but cry. Tears are streaming down my face and I can’t control them. Before long I’m going to be drowning in my own tears.

Today hasn’t been the best of day. I guess that’s nothing new though. I don’t seem to be able to control any of my feelings right now and I’m becoming more and more frustrated at myself. I feel so weak that I can’t hold back the tears, they just keep coming and show no signs of stopping any time soon.

I feel bitter and resentment towards pretty much everyone around me, yet I know that I have no right to feel that way. I hate the fact that people are so selfish and only care about themselves. Why are there so many people like that in the world?! If people just took a little time to look around them and stop being so self absorbed then maybe, just maybe the people that are in desperate need of some support would get noticed. 

I try so hard to be there for everyone and give them all the help and support I am capable of yet no one seems to really notice when I need someone to be there for me. The cracks to my exterior are starting to show because I can feel it, yet no one seems to have noticed. I don’t have many people around me right now that I’d call friends so it’s difficult to try and reach out to anyone.

Until I started blogging just now I had a large amount of medication in front of me wanting to take it all. The need to feel nothing is so desirable that I’ve seriously considered just ending everything. I don’t want to be an emotional (and physical) train wreck anymore, I want some inner peace and harmony. I just worry about the impact my actions will leave on others if I were to take the medication. Again it comes back to worrying about everyone else and completely dismissing my feelings.

I don’t know if I’ll manage any sleep tonight. Perhaps if I’m lucky I won’t have to wake up as I’ll have drowned in my own tears. But in reality I’m not that lucky so I’ll have to go through the same emotional rollercoaster all over again.

Life sucks.

Leave me alone!

Recently I’ve just wanted to be left alone. I’m struggling so much with my low mood and everyone and everything is annoying the hell out of me and I’m trying so hard to move forward but seem to be continuously hitting a brick wall. 

My life is still on hold because of my foot injury. I’m not better off now than what I was 20 months ago when I had my accident. My foot is locked in the same position and will not move at all meaning I’ve still got very little mobility. This is pushing my inner strength to the limits. I am both physically and mentally exhausted and have very little hope and expectations left inside of me.  

I’ve tried talking to my closet family member but they don’t take my feelings into consideration and think I have a terrible attitude. Maybe I do, but I’m struggling so much and can’t get past my low mood.

My depression is worsening and soon I’m going to be completely consumed by the big dark cloud that’s hovering over me. I feel like I have nothing in my life at the moment that’s worth anything and just want to give up. I keep being reminded that there are plenty of people that are worse off that me, which I’m fully aware of, and that I shouldn’t let things get me down. That’s so much easier said than done.

My GP wants the mental health team involved again, which I agree they probably do need to be but unfortunately the people around me don’t think mental health is that important. They are, in effect stopping me from getting the help I truly need. My GP said that this constitutes as a form of emotional abuse, but I think that’s a bit of a harsh term to use. It’s just the way my family has always been. I’ve always been made to feel embarrassed and guilty for have struggles with my mental health in the past but to be honest, I think they are the ones that are embarrassed it which is why they make such a big deal out of it.

I just want to go to sleep and wake up with everything ring fixed, although not waking up at all would be the best solution all around. I just don’t want to have to pretend that I’m okay anymore. I want to be able to express the pain that I’m truly feeling without being made to feel bad about it. I don’t understand why the one person I’m closest to makes me feel like my feelings aren’t important and keeps telling me I have a terrible attitude. If they really cared about me surely they would understand on some level how much I’m struggling with everything?!

I’m distancing myself from people because I can’t continue on like this. I can’t keep putting that fake smile on and telling everyone that I’m not dwelling on my health issue as it won’t get me anywhere. All I really want to do is give up on everything, but yet again I’d be made to feel guilty for that too. 

I just want to be left alone.

Reaching out….***this may be a trigger for those contemplating self-harm or suicide***

Life for me over the last few months have been an absolute nightmare, hence why I’ve not blogged. I’ve been on a downwards spiral that hasn’t seemed to want to stop. My mental health has been deteriorating continuously and I’m at the point where I need to reach out for some help.

I literally feel like the world is falling in on me and the light that was once inside of me is shining bright is nothing more than a flicker of light that is starved of oxygen and slowly being extinguished. I feel overcome with negative feelings and seem to be angry all of the time. Very little makes me laugh or smile and when I do, it’s fake. I’m fake. A liar. I’m so convincing that everything is fine and I’m coping that sometimes I even believe myself, that is until I come crashing back to reality.

I’ve had some serious feelings pulling me towards ending my life but I’ve managed to suppress them, for now. Self-harm has been an issue for me lately too. The urge has been so great that I’ve succumbed to the temptation and turned to my beloved blade. The release I felt as soon as the blade sliced through my skin was immense. I’ve missed that feeling so much. The warm blood running down my thigh is more of a comfort than it should be, but it works for me. For now it’s enough to help me feel in control and hold back the feelings of suicide, but I don’t know how much longer this will be the case for.

I turned to my GP for support once again and took her up on her offer to contact the mental health team. That in itself show how desperate I’m feeling right now as I’ve turned that support down a number of times previously. I don’t have much faith in the mental health team as I had very bad experiences before when I had dealings with them. That said, it was a number of years ago as well as being in a different city. I don’t hold out much faith, but it truly is my last option before ending everything myself once and for all.

The referral was made today by my GP and she said it’s likely I’d need to wait until Monday before I’m contacted, but I did in fact receive a phone call this evening from the crisis team which surprised me some what. I hope this is a good sign that I’m going to get the help I need but I guess only time will tell.

Onwards and Upwards, right?

So now that it is officially 2017 I feel it’s only right that I reflect back on the previous year, and what a year it has been.

I’m not a fan of NYE in all fairness. I see it as an excuse for people to drink more and make bigger fools of themselves by going around hugging and kissing total strangers who they completely ignore ever other night of the year. People lose all inhibitions and forget the meaning of personal space and just can’t help but get in your face. 

If I’m honest, I can’t say that it’s been full of ups and downs because that’s not true. It’s literally been down after down, after down. Although I do see that it’s an achievement that I’ve managed to pick up self back up and have been able to continue with life even though I’ve only been going through the motions of living but not really living (if that makes sense).

2016 really has been a cruel year, not just for myself but for many, many people and I for one am happy to see the back of it. However, I’m not holding out too much hope for 2017 either. I keep praying that this upcoming year is not as bad as the last and that I can move forward with my life, but seeing is believing, right?

I’ve faced a number of demons over the last 12 month, many of which have beaten me into submission and put my back to square one. Time after time I’ve wanted to give completely up and though I’ve not had the energy or patience to carry on, but somehow I’ve managed to. How? I’ve no idea. Why? Again, I’ve no idea. But I’m guessing it’s for a reason and maybe, just maybe this lifetime, my lifetime isn’t over just yet.

So hear is to 2017, I’m ready for you and the challenges that you throw at me. I can’t promise that I’ll succeed, but I’m not going to lose anything or be in a worse off position if I don’t.

I will not let my depression define who I am and as for my scars, they only show where I have been, they do not dictate where I’m going.

Happy New Year, everyone!