Every Time I Close My Eyes

It’s just passed 4:30 am and I can’t sleep for all the tossing and turning I’m doing. My dog is laying on the bottom of my bed snoring and I can’t help but be jealous that sleep comes so easily to her.

Something is not right. I have a weird feeling that’s burning inside of me that’s trying desperately to escape. I can’t let it because I don’t trust it and I don’t don’t trust myself not to do harm. It’s like it’s a niggle that’s begging to scratched, or even better, released. I’ve been fighting this feeling especially hard recently because the moment I let my guard down, it’s going to pounce out if no where and I’ll end up cutting myself. That’s what it comes down to. It’s that familiar feeling of needing to cut myself so I can feel in control of something as I currently feel so out of control that it’s overwhelming.

And it’s all because of this……

Every time I close my eyes I keep reliving when I injured my foot. It’s like I’m back there, in Sri Lanka. I see myself laughing and joking with new friends all excited about the new adventure we’d all just embarked upon in such an exotic and wonderful place. As we get ready to go down the river on the raft I start getting that feeling of anxiety and excitement at the same time. The water starts smashing against the raft as we pick up speed and see the rapids get bigger. The we hit them head on and it’s amazing, exhilarating in fact. As quickly as it started the white water had gone and we were on a beautiful river all laugh and feeling blessed that we’d been chosen to be part of the project we were volunteering for.

It’s at this point I know that I’m dreaming and I’m fully aware what’s coming next, but I can’t wake myself up to stop it happening.

Then our guide speaks and I hear those dreaded words that haunt me “you guys either jump out together or we’ll time the raft.” We all hold hand and jump and then SMASH. That’s it. My foot has collided with a boulder in the water and I feel an immediate pain shoot through my body that made me feel physically sick. I get dragged out of the water and see that my foot is hanging off my leg is a completely abnormal position. The pain rips through me as I realise I’ve severely dislocated my foot.

Then I wake up gasping for air and realise that the place that was paradise in my dream has caused my reality to become a living Hell. Two and a half years later since the accident my foot is still deformed and locked and a 90* angle. I can’t walk, I’ve lost all of my confidence, I’m severely depressed and I feel like none of the health professionals care about me at all; if they did they’d have fixed it by now instead of passing me from one consultant to another. The longer this is going on the worse I’m feeling about everything and how much I wish I wasn’t around. I can’t handle keep reliving the nightmare ever time I close my eyes. It’s chipping away at me and cracks are starting to appear.

I just want everything to stop. I don’t want to be in constant physical pain, I don’t want to feel like I’m having a breakdown and most of all, I don’t want to be around. I’m so exhausted from all of this that’s I’d love nothing more than to close my eyes and not wake up. I want this reality to stop.

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Lost….

I’ve lost my way, again. I’m at a really low point right now and as I lay here in bed I don’t think I’m able to cry anymore tears.

I need to stop comparing myself to other people and fixating on my shortcomings in life. I can’t change how things are right now and have completely lost the little fight that was previously inside me.

I still can’t walk, I can barely hold a conversation with people, on the odd occasion I do manage to go out I constantly have people staring at me because of how my foot still is. I resent so much and so many when I have no right to at all. I’ve become such a negative and bitter person that I’m pushing people away for their own good. I have such a short fuse that takes very little to set off and the anger that’s raging inside me is something I’ve never seen before.

Life shouldn’t be this hard. It’s not enjoyable or fulfilling like it should be and it totally sucks. I’m in desperate need of some direction but I’m limited as to who I can ask for help.

I am alone and truly lost in this place called my life.

I Was Once Told…..

I was once told that keeping a diary/blog is a good indication of how my mental health is, noting feelings down happens for one of two reason: something really positive is happening in life life or something negative. Unfortunately for me, it’s the latter.

I can’t really say that my situation has changed all that much; I’m still struggling daily with my mood and mental health and having to drag myself out of bed so I don’t become more of a recluse than I already am.

Every morning I wake up and instantly want to go back to sleep. I constantly feel exhausted and struggle to do the simplest of tasks like function on a half decent level. Sleep is meant to heal and refresh the body but I find that it certainly doesn’t do that for me. My body is begging for more rest but when when I attempt this my mind decides it’s the perfect time to go over every negative detail in my life, thus causing very little rest, both mentally and physically.

People around me struggle to understand why I’ve become so guarded and negative, but it’s hard not to be when my life I’m completely on hold and has been for the past two years because of having an accident that’s pretty much changed me life.

I know that I should focus on the positives, but there are so few that the negatives consume them on a daily basis. It’s a viscous cycle that I can’t seem to break.

I’m more than sure that if I felt more rested then both my body and mind would at least have a chance of healing. Perhaps I’d then be in a better place to be able to tackle the daemons that are picking away at my fragile mind.

The only thing that’s keeping me going is that I still have hope, at least for now. I hope that things will get better in the future and that I’ll be able to live my life rather than just exist.

Why can’t I just be happy!

I’d like to wake up just once and be happy. Is that really too much to ask? I hate feeling so low but I can’t seem to shake this depression off regardless of what ever I do.

I literally feel like my sanity is getting to the point of wearing so thin that soon it’ll be completely destroyed. Day by day another part of me breaks away from reality and amd there’s no end in sight. 

I am alive and for that I should be thankful for as I know many, many people are taken from this earth before their time, it’s just I’m not really living, I’m existing and desperate for a way out.

My mood is getting so heavy that it often feels like I can’t breathe. There’s no light at the end of my tunnel, just eternal darkness. Perhaps I deserve to feel like this? Maybe I’m being punished for something that I’m unaware of. If only I knew how to fix things then there would be a chance that I could break through the darkness and find the light.

Reality is that I’m not likely to feel any better soon and that in itself is something that’s difficult to process. I may be good at lying to everyone around me about what’s going on in my head but I owe it to myself to be honest about how I am really feeling. 

I’d love nothing more than to not wake up in the morning and be completely free of all pain and misery, but I’d be deemed selfish if I were to take my own life. It’s getting to the point where I really don’t know how much more of feeling this way I can cope with. I want everything to go away.

Drowning in my own tears

As I lay here I can’t help but cry. Tears are streaming down my face and I can’t control them. Before long I’m going to be drowning in my own tears.

Today hasn’t been the best of day. I guess that’s nothing new though. I don’t seem to be able to control any of my feelings right now and I’m becoming more and more frustrated at myself. I feel so weak that I can’t hold back the tears, they just keep coming and show no signs of stopping any time soon.

I feel bitter and resentment towards pretty much everyone around me, yet I know that I have no right to feel that way. I hate the fact that people are so selfish and only care about themselves. Why are there so many people like that in the world?! If people just took a little time to look around them and stop being so self absorbed then maybe, just maybe the people that are in desperate need of some support would get noticed. 

I try so hard to be there for everyone and give them all the help and support I am capable of yet no one seems to really notice when I need someone to be there for me. The cracks to my exterior are starting to show because I can feel it, yet no one seems to have noticed. I don’t have many people around me right now that I’d call friends so it’s difficult to try and reach out to anyone.

Until I started blogging just now I had a large amount of medication in front of me wanting to take it all. The need to feel nothing is so desirable that I’ve seriously considered just ending everything. I don’t want to be an emotional (and physical) train wreck anymore, I want some inner peace and harmony. I just worry about the impact my actions will leave on others if I were to take the medication. Again it comes back to worrying about everyone else and completely dismissing my feelings.

I don’t know if I’ll manage any sleep tonight. Perhaps if I’m lucky I won’t have to wake up as I’ll have drowned in my own tears. But in reality I’m not that lucky so I’ll have to go through the same emotional rollercoaster all over again.

Life sucks.

Leave me alone!

Recently I’ve just wanted to be left alone. I’m struggling so much with my low mood and everyone and everything is annoying the hell out of me and I’m trying so hard to move forward but seem to be continuously hitting a brick wall. 

My life is still on hold because of my foot injury. I’m not better off now than what I was 20 months ago when I had my accident. My foot is locked in the same position and will not move at all meaning I’ve still got very little mobility. This is pushing my inner strength to the limits. I am both physically and mentally exhausted and have very little hope and expectations left inside of me.  

I’ve tried talking to my closet family member but they don’t take my feelings into consideration and think I have a terrible attitude. Maybe I do, but I’m struggling so much and can’t get past my low mood.

My depression is worsening and soon I’m going to be completely consumed by the big dark cloud that’s hovering over me. I feel like I have nothing in my life at the moment that’s worth anything and just want to give up. I keep being reminded that there are plenty of people that are worse off that me, which I’m fully aware of, and that I shouldn’t let things get me down. That’s so much easier said than done.

My GP wants the mental health team involved again, which I agree they probably do need to be but unfortunately the people around me don’t think mental health is that important. They are, in effect stopping me from getting the help I truly need. My GP said that this constitutes as a form of emotional abuse, but I think that’s a bit of a harsh term to use. It’s just the way my family has always been. I’ve always been made to feel embarrassed and guilty for have struggles with my mental health in the past but to be honest, I think they are the ones that are embarrassed it which is why they make such a big deal out of it.

I just want to go to sleep and wake up with everything ring fixed, although not waking up at all would be the best solution all around. I just don’t want to have to pretend that I’m okay anymore. I want to be able to express the pain that I’m truly feeling without being made to feel bad about it. I don’t understand why the one person I’m closest to makes me feel like my feelings aren’t important and keeps telling me I have a terrible attitude. If they really cared about me surely they would understand on some level how much I’m struggling with everything?!

I’m distancing myself from people because I can’t continue on like this. I can’t keep putting that fake smile on and telling everyone that I’m not dwelling on my health issue as it won’t get me anywhere. All I really want to do is give up on everything, but yet again I’d be made to feel guilty for that too. 

I just want to be left alone.