Emotional and Physical Pain

I am currently feeling as the title says: emotional and physical pain. Today hasn’t been the best of days if I’m honest. I feel so many things right now it’s beyond a joke.

I saw my GP this morning and finally found out the reason why I have a number of different health problems, which is good as I can finally get treated. Finally I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders in one respect but at the same time I know that I’m going to need to make some life changes. I must keep reminding myself that change isn’t always a bad thing.

As I’ve mentioned a number of times before that I have a injury to my foot. I’ve already had one lot of surgery and physio and hydrotherapy on it, just it is still not better. I’ve been passed from one person to another and no one seems to know what to do about the injury. My physiotherapist and hydro-therapist have both been in contact with the surgeon informing him that they can’t work on my foot as it’s not been fixed correctly. They tried rushing my appointment forward with the consultant because of their concerns, however the consultant cancelled my last appointment and made me wait 7 weeks to seem him just to be told today that I’m probably going to have to have more surgery, but he wasn’t prepared to do it. He also blamed the consultant that I saw after my injury occurred in Sri Lanka by claiming it was plastered completely wrong etc. So I’ve now been referred to one of his colleagues who specialises in feet, which isn’t a bad thing but I now need to wait another 2 and a half weeks for that appointment.

Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way blaming the NHS as I know that they are under pressure, under funded and understaffed. I just feel very let down by the consultant. Not only am I in absolute agony, I am feeling so low because of this all. I’m not sleeping, I’m struggling to eat, I don’t want to be around people and I’m loosing interest in pretty much everything I enjoy doing. I’ve been told by a number of people that it was my own fault because I did the injury whilst white water rafting and that in itself is hard to hear. Of course I need to take responsibility and own my problems, but in all fairness I was in Sri Lanka volunteering and it’s a tradition of the company that I was over there with that the first weekend there all of the volunteers go to a jungle retreat for team building and bonding. Knowing that I missed out on one hell of an experience because of the accident is very hard to accept and move on from, so when I get comments about it being my own fault it hurts. I just wanted to do some good over in Sri Lanka yet I came back with very little experience and a dislocated and fractured leg.

So at the moment I am really feeling both emotional and physical pain, which of course I need to hide from my family as I know they’ll get concerned and upset seeing me in this way. I’ve just got to put my fake smile on and pretend that everything is alright even though I feel like I’m dying on the inside.