Things have got to change!

I still feel so empty inside, except from my half torn and damaged heart. Something is missing and I can’t quite put my finger on what it is. My mental health is literally impacting upon everything that I’m doing at the moment and I don’t feel in control of it at all. This doesn’t only make day to day functioning difficult, but it’s stopping me from moving forward with my life. Things have got to change.

I see a number of my friends on Facebook constantly posting things about how happy they are and that life is fantastic, all the whilst I’m onlooking from afar, somewhat envious of what they have. Does that make me a bad person? 

I’d just like my life to run smoothly for once in a while. I’d like to be in a relationship not because I feel I should, but because I’ve fallen in love with someone. I’m so desperately seeking that happiness that so many people around me. I’ve had it before and I like it again but everything is the same old and I don’t often get a chance to meet new people because of my current situation with my injured foot, so I don’t get out at all at the moment. 

It’s not even so much about being in a relationship. I don’t feel like I’ve got many friends anymore. I used to be so close to some very special people, yet now they seem like they are drifting away from me more and more as the days go by. I kind of feel like I’m being left behind. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so pleased that things are going well for my friends and I wish them great happiness in their lives too, I just wish my life was moving along too.

I’ve recently become an official “supporter” of a biker club in the hope that I can start building new and stronger friendship with people. I come from a biker background and have always been surrounded by bikes and bike clubs etc, so I know firsthand just how close knit the biker community is and maybe, just maybe this is what I need right now to fill the emptiness I’m feeling.

I just hope my life starts moving forward soon, although I don’t really see that happening until after my surgery and my foot is on the mend. Even then I feel it’s going to be difficult but something has got to change or I’ll have a complete meltdown I’m sure.

Emptiness

I’m feeling so empty at the moment and I’m not sure why. Sure I’ve got a number of things going on in my life, but I don’t think they are the reasoning behind this current feeling.

It’s like all my feelings have disappeared from inside me and I’m left as an empty shell. I suppose some may thing feeling nothing is better than feeling emotional pain and anguish, but I’m not sure that’s the case for me. It’s almost like emptiness means that I’m dying inside.

For a number of months now I’ve felt like my heart has been ripped out and that I was dying inside, but I’m guessing it’s finally happened. Maybe this means the old me is gone and a new one will appear all nice and fixed. Maybe I’m like a phoenix, I need to die in order to be reborn. 

If only. It’s a nice thought but the reality is that over the next few months I’m going to start having unwanted and unhealthy thoughts back. I’ve got a few big things happening soon and I just know that I’m going to struggle big time.

I guess I’ll just make the most of this empty feeling whilst it lasts.