I can’t quite find the words to express my feelings

So I’ve just heard that a friend of mine died this weekend. I can’t even begin to express just how upset I am about this.

I met Marie around 4 years ago when she used to come into our pub with her husband. Like 99% of people that came into or old up, they were both bikers. Marie was great fun to be around and we always used to have such a laugh with one another. Like me, Marie always used to dye her hair awesome colours and often came into the pub with a different colour or style everytime I saw her. We just hit it off together from day one and I my face always lit up everytime I saw her enter our pub.

We were also pretty good friends on Facebook. We had some good banter going one with each other. Due to my Harry Potter obsession I always used to (and still do) post anything related to HP and Marie always used to wind me up and say she was bored of seeing just that on my timeline, so of course I thought I’d wind her up by tagging her in anything HP related that I posted. We really did have good banter.

I’ve not seen or spoken to Marie for some time and now I’ll never be able to speak to her again. This saddens me deeply. I hope that Marie is in a better place now and will watch over us all. 

Heaven has gained yet another angel too soon. Rest In Peace, Marie.

The good die young….

….but why? This evening I’ve been thinking about a memory that’s had me in tears. 

When I was 13 one of my brothers was taken ill and was admitted into hospital. He was diagnosed as having major issues with his pancreas and progressively got worse over a number of months. He ended up in intensive care and was there for a good few months. He was having surgery nearly every day at one point to remove parts of his pancreas, but it didn’t seem to help. He was getting worse and worse. 

It got to the point where he had a major internal bleed and we were told he was unlikely to make it. My family was advised that we should all see him and stay with him as he was unlikely to pull through. This was a really difficult time in my life, as well as for my family. My brothers illness really put a strain on my whole family in many different ways. For over a year my sister (who is older than me) and I had to look after ourselves whilst my parents spent pretty much 24/7 at the hospital with my brother. Of course I don’t blame them for this, I wouldn’t have wanted or expected them to do any different. 

By some miracle my brother pulled through. He started to get better and eventually moved out of intensive care back up to the ward. I spent all day every Saturday and Sunday’s  up there with him with him and became closer than we’d ever been. He was 5 years older than me so you can probably imagine that we didn’t always get on too well together. But him getting so ill allowed us to build a solid relationship that we’d never had before.

It was just before Christmas on the 19th of December and I was breaking up from school for the holidays. My mum picked me up and said that my brother was having a bit of an off day and I’d be better off being dropped off at home than going to visit. So that’s what happened.

Around about 4:30/5 pm our house phone rang. It was our family GP calling. He asked if my mum was available to talk which seemed a little odd as I knew she was at the hospital. My GP said that he’d call back later. A little bit later I suddenly got a sickening feeling in my stomach like something was wrong. It was weird as I’d never had this feeling before. An hour or so later my parents car pulled around the corner and came towards our house. The weirdest thing was my dad was in the car with my mum. He was meant to be working so I knew something was wrong. The pulled up outside our horse and I opened the window to ask my dad if my brother was okay. He didn’t answer me and came into the house and asked if my sister was upstairs, which she was. He then went up to find her. My mum then walked through the door and it was obvious she had been crying.

 I asked what was wrong and she said “Dave’s dead.”

I couldn’t quite comprehend what she’d just said. She then went to the sofa laid down and was at airing into space. It was then it finally hit me. My brother was dead. That’s when I started crying and the reality hit me that if never see my big brother again. I’d never be able to talk to him, laugh with him, make memories with him. He was gone. Dead.

That was quite some time ago now. But while I am typing this the pain I’m feeling now is just as bad as it was back then. I miss him. I miss him so much that it feels like my heart is being ripped out and shredded to pieces. It hurts so much. I can’t remember what his voice sounded like and I hate myself because of this. I makes me feel guilty like I’ve forgotten him, but not fully. This isn’t the case at all. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him or miss him. The only comfort I have is that with every minute that passes I am that little bit closer to seeing him again.

So tonight I’m going to go to bed crying and thinking about my big brother that I miss so terribly and I’ll try to figure out why my brother was taken away so young.

I love you David xxx 

How a book saved my life…

When I was a teenager I wasn’t in a very good place. One of my brothers had died and I was lost and had no direction in my life. I was lonely and depressed and felt so isolated from everyone around me because no one understood how I felt. I was just left to get on with my life and expected to do it quietly. 

I had never been one for reading as I found it difficult and boring, but this all changed one night when I decided to pick up a book. It changed my life and it saved my life. 

The moment I read the first page I was already hooked and couldn’t put it down. I was desperate to know what was going to happen next and felt a sense of nervousness for the characters. It was weird as I had never connected with a book or its characters before in my life. I could see a part of myself in each of the three main characters which allowed me to feel empathy, sympathy and compassion for them. I laughter and cried with, and for these characters and felt that I finally felt that there were people around me when I needed them most. 

After I finished the first book I scrambled to buy the second and third. As the characters started to grow throughout the series, so did I. People around me couldn’t seem to understand why I was so obsessed with this particular series and I struggled to explain why as I thought they’d make fun of me. The truth was that whenever I was upset, whenever I needed guidance and whenever I needed to escape from reality, these books and their characters were there for me. 

As the series progressed and the characters grew, so did I. I learnt so much about friendships, pain, loss, solidarity and unity I felt that I could take on the world. Any time I was feeling so low I didn’t know where to turn, the books were always there. Each turn of the page was like an injection of strength into my body. 

I am not exaggerating when I say that these books saved my life. It changed my life too! After reading the series I was able to put life into perspective and found  my exactly what, and who were important in my life. I’ve read this series over and over again and watched the films a million times (a slight exaggeration there, but not too much of one lol) and I never get tired or bored. I’m still learning from them too. Each time I pick up any one of the books in this series I’m able to take more and more from them! 

The reason I’m sharing this with you is because it’s Harry Potter Book Night this evening and I feel it’s my own way of showing my gratitude to Ron, Harry, Hermione, but mostly to Jo for writing this wonderfully amazing series.

These books will ALWAYS be my saviour, my one true escape. These books really did save my life.

empty heart heavy thoughts

Sharing. Somehow the more you give away, the more comes back to you. – Quoted from V’s blog  Alan Rickman has passed away, aged 69. Famous for his acting role as Professor Severus Snape in Harry Potter series. I feel like a childhood memory of mine got ripped away. Growing up watching Harry Potter and being […]

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Another Hero Gone

I am deeply saddened by the news that Alan Rickman has passed away. He was such an incredibly talented actor and will be missed be so many!

I am a massive Harry Potter fan, many people would say that I am obsessed with it but I do have good reason. Harry Potter is my one and only true escape from reality. I can even go as far as saying it saved my life for a number of reasons. I’m dyslexic and without the Harry Potter books and films I certainly wouldn’t be where I am today. This is why the news about Alan Rickman is so upsetting to me.

Alan Rickman brought his character, Snape to life from the pages of my books, to the man on the big screen. The part was written with Alan in mind and he absolutely done a massive credit in playing the part so well. I cannot think of any other actor that could or would have been able to play the character as well as him.

I truly am upset by his passing. Rest in peace, Alan xxx