Onwards and Upwards, right?

So now that it is officially 2017 I feel it’s only right that I reflect back on the previous year, and what a year it has been.

I’m not a fan of NYE in all fairness. I see it as an excuse for people to drink more and make bigger fools of themselves by going around hugging and kissing total strangers who they completely ignore ever other night of the year. People lose all inhibitions and forget the meaning of personal space and just can’t help but get in your face. 

If I’m honest, I can’t say that it’s been full of ups and downs because that’s not true. It’s literally been down after down, after down. Although I do see that it’s an achievement that I’ve managed to pick up self back up and have been able to continue with life even though I’ve only been going through the motions of living but not really living (if that makes sense).

2016 really has been a cruel year, not just for myself but for many, many people and I for one am happy to see the back of it. However, I’m not holding out too much hope for 2017 either. I keep praying that this upcoming year is not as bad as the last and that I can move forward with my life, but seeing is believing, right?

I’ve faced a number of demons over the last 12 month, many of which have beaten me into submission and put my back to square one. Time after time I’ve wanted to give completely up and though I’ve not had the energy or patience to carry on, but somehow I’ve managed to. How? I’ve no idea. Why? Again, I’ve no idea. But I’m guessing it’s for a reason and maybe, just maybe this lifetime, my lifetime isn’t over just yet.

So hear is to 2017, I’m ready for you and the challenges that you throw at me. I can’t promise that I’ll succeed, but I’m not going to lose anything or be in a worse off position if I don’t.

I will not let my depression define who I am and as for my scars, they only show where I have been, they do not dictate where I’m going.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Thinking out loud

I’ve not really been blogging much over the last week mainly because I’ve been trying to get my head together. I’m unsure if I’ve been successful at all as I’m still feeling completely trapped and isolated.

Some days I’m okay and others I’m not. I don’t like how inconsistent it is. I’d rather just feel one way or the other. Having emotions that are up and down like a yoyo is not my idea of fun. 

I actually can’t remember the last time that my mood was steady for longer than a few days. I think it may have been several years ago. I don’t remember the last time that I was happy, I mean really happy. That’s also been several years ago….I think. I also can’t remember the last time I had fun without feeling guilty about it. I know this is wrong and I shouldn’t be guilty, but it’s really hard not to and I don’t quite understand why. It’s very strange.

I could probably do with some therapy if I’m honest, but in reality it’s not likely to happen in the near future. The waiting times on the nhs are ridiculous and far too long. Then there’s always the chance that I won’t get on great with the counsellor (which has happened in the past), which would mean that I wouldn’t want to open up and talk. Then I’d need to go through the whole process again with waiting to see someone else. Also, the nhs appear to like going down the CBT route as its short term therapy with can show to be successful in a short period of time. CBT is (in my opinion) a ‘plaster’ type of therapy. It’ll patch the issues up that you’re experiencing at the present time, but doesn’t explore the reasoning behind the thought process. So when soneone needs more of an in-depth therapy, CBT isn’t best suited. 

I have quite a good of knowledge of psychology and different counselling approaches but can’t be my own therapist. It’s such a shame as it’d save a lot of time and money and I would actually feel better than what I do now.

Life really can suck.