Recently I’ve just wanted to be left alone. I’m struggling so much with my low mood and everyone and everything is annoying the hell out of me and I’m trying so hard to move forward but seem to be continuously hitting a brick wall.
My life is still on hold because of my foot injury. I’m not better off now than what I was 20 months ago when I had my accident. My foot is locked in the same position and will not move at all meaning I’ve still got very little mobility. This is pushing my inner strength to the limits. I am both physically and mentally exhausted and have very little hope and expectations left inside of me.
I’ve tried talking to my closet family member but they don’t take my feelings into consideration and think I have a terrible attitude. Maybe I do, but I’m struggling so much and can’t get past my low mood.
My depression is worsening and soon I’m going to be completely consumed by the big dark cloud that’s hovering over me. I feel like I have nothing in my life at the moment that’s worth anything and just want to give up. I keep being reminded that there are plenty of people that are worse off that me, which I’m fully aware of, and that I shouldn’t let things get me down. That’s so much easier said than done.
My GP wants the mental health team involved again, which I agree they probably do need to be but unfortunately the people around me don’t think mental health is that important. They are, in effect stopping me from getting the help I truly need. My GP said that this constitutes as a form of emotional abuse, but I think that’s a bit of a harsh term to use. It’s just the way my family has always been. I’ve always been made to feel embarrassed and guilty for have struggles with my mental health in the past but to be honest, I think they are the ones that are embarrassed it which is why they make such a big deal out of it.
I just want to go to sleep and wake up with everything ring fixed, although not waking up at all would be the best solution all around. I just don’t want to have to pretend that I’m okay anymore. I want to be able to express the pain that I’m truly feeling without being made to feel bad about it. I don’t understand why the one person I’m closest to makes me feel like my feelings aren’t important and keeps telling me I have a terrible attitude. If they really cared about me surely they would understand on some level how much I’m struggling with everything?!
I’m distancing myself from people because I can’t continue on like this. I can’t keep putting that fake smile on and telling everyone that I’m not dwelling on my health issue as it won’t get me anywhere. All I really want to do is give up on everything, but yet again I’d be made to feel guilty for that too.
I just want to be left alone.