At this moment in time all I want is to end my life. I am so angry and upset that I just don’t know what to do with myself other than hit my self-destruct button.
I received a phone call from one of my consultants this evening informing me that there’s been a change of plan with my surgery and they aren’t going to go ahead with the operation I was meant to have. Instead I’m going to have something different done to my foot which isn’t going to fix it.
I’ve been waiting nearly 11 months now for someone to fix my foot and a week before that’s going to happen I get a phone call telling me it’s not going ahead. What makes me even more angry is that I only saw my consultant a few days ago and he didn’t mention any of this, in fact he had an in depth discussion about the surgery.
So they want to go ahead on a different route and get me to see a neurologist as they think my injury is something to do with the nerves in my foot. As I’ve already said, ive been waiting nearly 11 months to be told this, so why the hell wasn’t this picked up before?! I am now left not knowing what’s going to happen now and how long it’s going to take to sort my foot. That is, of course if they don’t decide to do the op that I was meant to be having.
I am literally feeling so let down by all of the doctors involved in treating me. I can’t stop crying and want everything to go away. I know I’ve said this previously but I don’t think I can actually take much more. I’m done with everything. I desperately want to cut myself and feel something other than what I’m feeling now. I want to feel the warm blood on my cool skin as it pours uncontrollably and then just lay there waiting for all of my pain, anger and frustration float away as the blood continues to pour. Or perhaps taking a load of pills would be a better option and it’s not like I don’t have any medication as I pretty much a have pharmacy in my room. At least that way it wouldn’t cause such a mess. he emotional strain that has been put upon my family since I hurt my foot has been unreal. I guess if I were to end everything now then they may be able to move on with their lives and put this and me behind them.
I seriously don’t see the point in any thing anymore.