It’s like hitting my head against a brick wall!

As more time goes by my mental health is deteriorating and I feel fairly helpless in what I can do to try and help myself.

I’ve still not been given another date for my surgery and it’s just coming up to 9 months since I had my accident. I am literally losing the will to live. 

My life is on hold and it doesn’t look like it’s going anywhere soon. I’m struggling with controlling my pain which, of course has a massive impact on my mood. I can honestly say that I this is one of the lowest points of my life and I can’t see it getting much better.

My mental health really is a concern. I’ve been trying to tell my mum that I’m feeling really low but she doesn’t really seem that bothered. Perhaps that’s a little harsh of me to phrase it that was because my mum loves me very much, it’s just that she ignores it in the hope that it’ll go away. It won’t go away, it hasn’t in the past and it’s not going to in the near future which scares the hell out of me. Since I tried to take my life a number of years ago, my mum has never really wanted to know when I’m feeling depressed and always has a way of turning it around and making it all about her. This is just because she doesn’t know how to deal with such strong and emotional thoughts. Her logic is that if the subject gets changed quick enough, it’s never been talked about and everything is fine when in reality it’s far from fine.

I know full well that when I do eventually have my surgery I’ll ended up getting even more distressed and low and I’m not going to have anyone else to turn to other than my GP who will be hard to see due to my lack of mobility. Everything is just winding me up so much.

I have again just tried to tell my mum how I feel and she gets all defensive and starts moaning. I just don’t get it. I tried to explain that sometimes she makes me feel like she doesn’t care and she had a go at me. I may as well keep hitting my head against the wall as I’m just getting nowhere with her.

Seriously I am going around in circles, this is never going to end.


Author: tearsandfears83

Hello there, Iโ€™d like to take this opportunity to welcome you to my blog. I just like to start by mentioning that I am dyslexic so please be prepared for the typos as I'm sure there will be many. Anyway moving on, this is the first time that I have done anything like a blog online as I usually write my thoughts and feelings down on paper....but thought I should get up to date with the times! I have a degree in psychology and have completed my MEd in Counselling in Education. All of the work that I have done for my current degree is based on self-harm in one way or another! I have quite a lot of first hand experience with mental health issues as I've battled with them on and off for a number of years now. I feel that I'm at the stage in my life where I can finally help other people that have experienced similar experiences to me. I know that this sounds cheesy, but I really want to help people to overcome issue that they face as I feel that everything that I've been through will have been worth it. I still struggle at times with my own mental health issues and often need to let my feelings. In previous times I would have used self-harm to help me though, but I'm now able to direct my emotions in other ways such as drawing, writing poetry and through music. I'm unsure if anyone other than myself will read anything I write and that's okay. I understand that I can't change the world with what I write, but maybe I'll be able to bring people a little comfort in knowing that if I can get through very low points in my life, then they can too!

6 thoughts on “It’s like hitting my head against a brick wall!”

  1. Depression is so fucked up. I wish I could give you amazing advice. Sometimes my mind remains in a dark place even though I’m surrounded by beauty. So damned hard to understand. It’s funny, at 47 I just came clean with suicide and depression with my mom. She’s was shocked but thankful that she didn’t learn about it until now. She said her past self wouldn’t have known how to deal with it and she would have ignored it. I think when moms ignore they are afraid. I’m a mom and it’s hard to watch my teen children suffer. Have you read The Mindful Way Through Depression? That helped me. And lately I’m working on living in the moment. If I don’t I’m going to hide in bed. My life has been full of hellish financial stress. Like not enough rent money and health care money. And my awesome therapy cat ran away nine days ago. ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ So I’m doing thinks like when I make coffee I keep my thoughts to just making coffee. Or vacuuming I just vacuum. If I’m sad I just let myself be sad. I’ve been writing a lot. Keep writing even if you only journal fears and shit like that. Swearing helps me deal with depression. And music. I’ve been listening to lots of Pink Floyd. I’m researching THE WALL, the album and original movie. Roger Waters is bad ass! If you can somehow allow yourself to know that’s it’s okay to feel all these scary bad emotions that might help. My last blog is about living in the moment and the voices I hear in my head. Ive got this crazy guide and her name is Lacey Pinkerton. Even crazier, I just learned that the protagonist in THE WALL is named Floyd Pinkerton. I’ve been thinking about you. Stay strong in your depression. Our darkest times can lead to awesome places. Keep writing your blog. I want to know that you are okay. Hugs. โค๏ธ

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