Where did her compassion go? 

Since the negative comment my mum made the other day I’ve been feeling more and more disappointed in my mum attitude. When did she become so selfish with her feelings? I just don’t get it. Surely if one of your daughters was feeling so depressed after having major surgery and got to the stage where they felt like seriously harming themselves you’d do all you can to give your support? I just can’t get those words out of my head: “I can’t be doing with that!” 

Perhaps it’s because it’s me? Maybe my mum doesn’t love me as much as I once thought? I always go out of my way to support my mum, especially when her and my dad separated. I’m always there when she wants to have a nice therapeutic rant about people/things in her everyday life, yet she can’t be bothered to support me if my mental health deteriorates after my surgery, which I might add is highly likely. She’d support me all the way through the surgery because I’ve got a physical illness to show, not an invisible one. Where has all her compassion gone? When did she become this way? Why won’t she be there for me?

I suppose I shouldn’t really be surprised. Ever since one of my brother died when I was a teenager my mum has distanced us to a degree and I understand why. I also know that she has the attitude that she thinks it’s s cowards way out by trying to take ones life especially when my brother died fighting for her. It’s things like this that hurt to the core as a number of years back I took an overdose and nearly succeeded in ending my life. I guess my mum things I’m selfish for that. Maybe that’s why she has the attitude towards my mental health like she does.

Whatever my mum thinks, I know that my depression is potentially likely to hit rock bottom after my surgery. Where does that leave me, because I certainly don’t know. The prospect of feeling even more alone than I already am is slowly picking away inside. I’m scared. So, so scared.

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Author: tearsandfears83

Hi, my name is Zoe and I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome you to my blog. I just like to start by mentioning that I am dyslexic so please be prepared for the typos as I'm sure there will be many. Anyway moving on, this is the first time that I have done anything like a blog online as I usually write my thoughts and feelings down on paper....but thought I should get up to date with the times! I have a degree in psychology and have completed my MEd in Counselling in Education. All of the work that I have done for my current degree is based on self-harm in one way or another! I have quite a lot of first hand experience with mental health issues as I've battled with them on and off for a number of years now. I feel that I'm at the stage in my life where I can finally help other people that have experienced similar experiences to me. I know that this sounds cheesy, but I really want to help people to overcome issue that they face as I feel that everything that I've been through will have been worth it. I still struggle at times with my own mental health issues and often need to let my feelings. In previous times I would have used self-harm to help me though, but I'm now able to direct my emotions in other ways such as drawing, writing poetry and through music. I'm unsure if anyone other than myself will read anything I write and that's okay. I understand that I can't change the world with what I write, but maybe I'll be able to bring people a little comfort in knowing that if I can get through very low points in my life, then they can too!

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