Since the negative comment my mum made the other day I’ve been feeling more and more disappointed in my mum attitude. When did she become so selfish with her feelings? I just don’t get it. Surely if one of your daughters was feeling so depressed after having major surgery and got to the stage where they felt like seriously harming themselves you’d do all you can to give your support? I just can’t get those words out of my head: “I can’t be doing with that!”
Perhaps it’s because it’s me? Maybe my mum doesn’t love me as much as I once thought? I always go out of my way to support my mum, especially when her and my dad separated. I’m always there when she wants to have a nice therapeutic rant about people/things in her everyday life, yet she can’t be bothered to support me if my mental health deteriorates after my surgery, which I might add is highly likely. She’d support me all the way through the surgery because I’ve got a physical illness to show, not an invisible one. Where has all her compassion gone? When did she become this way? Why won’t she be there for me?
I suppose I shouldn’t really be surprised. Ever since one of my brother died when I was a teenager my mum has distanced us to a degree and I understand why. I also know that she has the attitude that she thinks it’s s cowards way out by trying to take ones life especially when my brother died fighting for her. It’s things like this that hurt to the core as a number of years back I took an overdose and nearly succeeded in ending my life. I guess my mum things I’m selfish for that. Maybe that’s why she has the attitude towards my mental health like she does.
Whatever my mum thinks, I know that my depression is potentially likely to hit rock bottom after my surgery. Where does that leave me, because I certainly don’t know. The prospect of feeling even more alone than I already am is slowly picking away inside. I’m scared. So, so scared.