At this moment in time I am feeling both mentally and physically drained. I’ve managed just under 2 hours sleep last night and absolutely exhausted. My mental health seems to be deteriating as the days go by, which is in itself physically draining too.
I’ve constantly goes thoughts going around my head about my upcoming surgery which are both positive and negative. I continuing keep hearing the words “there’s a possibility you may lose your foot,” which is such a scary thought. I never imagined that my injury was ever going to lead to this and what makes it worse is both of my consultants have never dealt or seen such a deformity/reaction to a dislocation like I have. Apparently they don’t have a crystal ball and can’t tell me what the outcome will be. I am pleased with their honesty about things but it sure as hell is a scary thought that I may go in for surgery and wake up without a foot. Hopefully having the frame attached will prevent that from happening, but I won’t know until 3 months later when the frame is removed.
Realistically I don’t know how I’m going to react to any of this surgery. Since I’ve been told that I’ve got to have this frame on I’ve been joking about it and acting like I don’t care, which couldn’t be further from the truth. The frame itself looks barbaric and bloody scary! I know when I wake up from surgery and see my leg/foot I’m going to be so upset! I’m going to be so conscious wearing if and its bad enough now with people staring at me when I go out and about, but it’s going to 10 times worse with the frame. That in itself is going to impact deeply on my mental health.
As each hour of each day that goes by a little part of me becomes even more withdrawn from life than it was before. This scares me so much as the way things are now will be nothing in comparison to what they will be when I have my surgery. I think not knowing the date of when it’s going to happen is playing a big part of this. At least if I knew when it was going to take place I’d be able to start trying to mentally prepare myself.
I’m not going to lie, there a big part of me that wishes I don’t wake up from the anaesthetic. It’d be the perfect way to go by someone else’s hands rather than mine, but then I start feeling guilty for having those thoughts. My parents have already lost one child, I honestly believe losing another would finish my mum off and I don’t want to be the one responsible for that. I just can’t help how I feel. I can’t get these dark and negative thoughts out of my head.
The psychological pain that I’m feeling is making the physical pain much worse I’m sure, which in turn is then making the psychological pain even worse. It’s such a vicious circle that I’m trying desperately trying to break, but I can’t. I’m just not strong enough.
Why can’t it all just go away?!