It would appear that since starting this blog that all ice really done is moan about how tired I am and how much pain I’m in. It was never my intention to use this as a place to just go in and on, but I can’t help it. I have few places where I can truly express my feelings but I don’t want to come across as being someone that always moans. Because in reality, I’m not usually like this. Normally I would just get on with things and hide what I’m feeling, but it’s not gotten to the stage where I feel like I’m going to explode if I do vent things. The lack of sleep and pain I’m in is literally consuming my life. It’s actually stopping me from doing so many things that I used to take for granted.
I’m meant to be going bowling tomorrow with a friend tomorrow for his birthday, but feeling as I do I’m struggling to sum up any motivation. It’s like I feel obliged to go as this particular friend doesn’t appear to have many other friends, he’s very intelligent and somewhat of an eccentric guy. But I think he’s great! He funny and very kindhearted but sometimes a little hard to talk to. I’m sure we’ll have great fun tomorrow, but all week I’ve been trying to find an excuse not to go. It’s not been for any particular reason other than me not wanting to socialise. I’m also concerned that when we get to the bowling alley that I’m going to be told that I’m in able to play as I won’t be able to take my ortho boot off else I won’t be able to stand at all. If this is the case I’m going to feel so bad for my friend.
It’s things like this that make me not want to go out. Everything I do seems to take more planning and time than usual. I get frustrated because I can’t walk fast, because I need to take a break from walking after a while, for having to constantly take painkillers if I want to do anything or their than stay in bed. It’s getting beyond a joke now. Each day I’m in more and more pain and slowly losing the will to live. I understand that is may sound a little dramatic to some, but I just can’t go on like this for much longer. I’ve got to wait another week to see the new consultant (which will be 9 weeks in total without treatment) and I’m so anxious about that. It’s not like the last one was very nice. In fact, he was a total arse and very condescending and his bedside manner was appalling. Again, another reason I’m so apprehensive about seeing the new one.
I guess I just need to keep plodding on for another day.
Sorry for keep moaning everyone.